"The Only Thing We Can Really Be Perfect At Is Loving Each Other"

Author Tom Christofferson will join TOFW for the 2018 Centered In Christ Tour and we couldn't be more excited to share his story of love and healing. This excerpt from Tom's Book, "That We May Be One," shares a small portion of the extraordinary and personal journey that he and his family embarked upon as he began to understand and accept his same sex attraction.

My parents’ initial reaction when I came out had been to try to identify what they had done wrong. For a period, my father was convinced that I was gay because he had spent so much time traveling for work and had not been present often enough as I was growing up. My parents wondered what they could have done differently so that I would not be gay. They also wondered what they could do to “fix” me. For some time they used every fast Sunday, and invited other family members to join, fasting and praying that the Lord would heal me, that He would “take away the gay” from my life.

As with many LDS parents in similar circumstances, they had to mourn the dreams they had for me, especially that I would have a wife and children and that the Church would retain the central place in my life. When I asked to be excommunicated, it was from a sense that I needed to be honest about my life and that the only way I could do so was to move forward on a different path. Although that came as a relief for me, at least for a time, it was a very hard blow to them, and likely one that felt like a personal repudiation of that which they held so dear. There was a period—thankfully, a short one—during which communication was difficult between us, and both understanding and tempers were short.

It was not an instant thing for them, but progressively over the first couple of years they seemed to gain peace that the Lord was aware of me. They came to feel they could leave much of this in His hands.

About two years after I had come out, my family was planning a weeklong family reunion at a cabin in the canyon. I was living in Los Angeles and had a boyfriend at the time, and I said the two of us would be happy to come. Now, to be fully transparent, let me say that my boyfriend had absolutely no interest in attending, but I thought it was important to make a political statement that I wasn’t going to come if this man I was dating wasn’t also invited. My brothers all had young children, and some felt uncomfortable about how to handle this—to the extent that one family thought they might not bring their children if my boyfriend were present. My parents, attempting to broker a solution, finally said to me, “Will you please come, this once, by yourself for two days so that we can have a family council meeting the first evening?” I agreed.

That night, after the grandchildren had been put to bed, my brothers, their wives, my parents, and I gathered in the largest bedroom to speak. We began with prayer, and then, as I recall, my father talked about the importance of unity and loyalty to one another. My mother said, “I’m ashamed to say it, but there was a time when I thought we were the perfect Mormon family. I have this picture in my head of when Dad was called as bishop in New Jersey and the local paper sent a photographer for the story. You boys were wearing your bow ties, and I thought we really had it all figured out, that we were the perfect Mormon family. But then life happens, and I realized that there is no perfect Mormon family. The only thing we can really be perfect at is loving each other.” Then she addressed my brothers and sisters-in-law and said, “The most important lesson your children will learn from how our family treats their Uncle Tom is that nothing they can ever do will take them outside the circle of our family’s love.”

That became their guiding principle. As my parents said to my brother Wade around that time, “We don’t understand or know how all of this will play out in eternity, so we are going to make sure we enjoy every single moment with Tom in this life.” I think over the years they became more at ease with how eternity might play out. A few years before my mother passed away, she and my father and I were having a conversation during a drive when they had come to Connecticut for a visit. We talked about what we prayed for, with the hope that we might be united in our prayers. We agreed that we could pray in faith that the perfect Judge of us all, knowing our circumstances and the desires of our hearts, seeing all the things that we do not, would also know of our love for Him and for each other. We could pray that in His flawless wisdom and mercy, we would someday gain an understanding of how the plan of happiness will include me in its fulness.

Tom will present at several TOFW events in 2018. Join us at an event in a city near you!